Day 1

Today is day 1 with no Adderall. I am writing this to get it out there because it makes me feel better. Maybe it will help one of you, I don’t know. Writing and sharing for me is cathartic, that’s all I really know.

I started taking it about a year ago, and it was amazing. I felt full of life, energy, everything. I was finally MORE. I could handle MORE. The stresses of life were numbed and covered with a cute little Band-aid in the form of my beautiful orange pills. I loved those things. Very quickly, I became addicted. Then I started taking more than prescribed, constantly chasing the high of the first pills I was prescribed. Nothing was enough.

I realized I had a problem about 6 months ago, but I didn’t actively try to stop until a month and a half ago. I made it about 30 days and went right back to the Adderall. The depression that came with coming off the stuff was way too much for me. I started fantasizing about death, and that scared me. So naturally, I took the easy way out and went back to taking Adderall. In a week, I was right back to where I was before, if not worse. I realized I needed help, so I told my family and friends, and that’s what brings me here today.

I am not at this point willing to go to inpatient rehab, I just don’t think it’s right for me. I am, however, coming up with a plan to combat the depression that comes with coming off stimulants. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and OCD anyways, so coming off stimulants is that much harder for someone with mental illnesses. I also have zero coping skills. I’m not going to go into detail as to what my plan is, but just rest assured knowing that I have one and that this time, I am going to handle things differently. I am seeking professional help.

Sharing this makes me very vulnerable. I know that I will be judged, that there will be jokes made, that lots of people will not understand. And that’s OK. I cannot keep this in any longer. Secrets make us sick, and I’m tired of being sick.

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